Behavioral New World
March 1, 2023
My fellow Substacker Narayan Kamath (https://uyl.substack.com/about) relates this story:
15 years ago, I attended a meeting addressed by our CEO, after which we stayed for lunch and an opportunity to meet him and introduce ourselves. During lunch, as I was walking back to my table, a bowl of soup slipped out of my plate and landed on the carpet, creating a mess.
I could feel the entire room’s eyes on me as I gingerly picked up the bowl and carried it to my table. It was hardly 20 meters away, but it felt like a mile!
I silently left the hotel, and walked back to the office, because I couldn’t bear that feeling.
Later that afternoon, I bumped into a group of my peers who were discussing how the CEO seemed genuinely interested in each person he met. One of them asked, “Didn’t see you at lunch. Did you skip it?”
The next day my manager said he had seen me walk out during lunch and asked if everything was OK. He too had not seen my misadventure with the soup bowl.
I wondered how that was possible. Hadn’t I made a spectacle of myself? Evidently not!
The “spotlight effect” refers to our inclination to overestimate how much others pay attention to us. Narayan’s experience is an example of the spotlight effect, which is quite common. As Marisa G. Franco puts it:
The truth is, no one cares about your social clumsiness as much as you do. They’re too busy worrying about their own.[1]
And guess what? The spotlight effect is not limited to social clumsiness. Did you go to work today with mismatched socks? Unless you put your feet up on the table, no one is likely to notice. Does the color of your belt not match the color of your shoes? Do you believe that someone will notice and will care? Odds are against it.
One time I was walking up some stairs with a cup of coffee in my hand. I tripped and fell (yes, I fell UP) and spilled the coffee. I was noticed by people in the stairwell, but their immediate concern was for my well-being. They noticed, but they didn’t judge me negatively. The same might well have happened in Narayan’s case had he not exited so silently.
Why is this important? Answer: You have better uses for your time and energy. Spend a day monitoring yourself for activities that relate to issues that you think others will notice (and care about). What color lipstick? Flats or high heels? Mid-calf or full-length skirt?
Is it good news or bad news that it probably won’t matter?
And you can monitor how much attention you pay to other people. It is likely that you pay little attention to others. And even when something out of the ordinary catches your eye, you might not care about it. You might well think, “I’m glad that didn’t happen to me.” But you are not judging the person, you’re just caught up in yourself.
(Of course, if you wear bib overalls to a board of directors meeting, it will be noticed. And it might dent your credibility. But that’s an extreme example.)
In short: People are just not paying attention to you. And even when they do, they might not be judging you negatively.
[1] Marisa G. Franco, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep—Friends, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, 2022.
Or is it "embrace the lack of a spotlight"? I realized this morning that it applies to being in a yoga class--ain't no one looking at you/me :)
Thanks for commenting!
Interesting concept! And it really applies to writers as well. The author Elizabeth Gilbert (“Eat, Pray, Love”) says to writers: Do not worry about what people think of your writing; no one will read it! It’s basically true - even best-selling writers like Gilbert will find that people close to you, the ones who matter, likely just won’t find the time to read your work. It’s so freeing once you realize this! So: embrace that spotlight! 😊